To my baby… — Mighty Werthy

To My Sweet Baby,

I had always envisioned you in my life. You are a beautiful little redhead girl with the same amount of sass as me. I dreamed of being a young mother, married and living the dream of having my “perfect little family”, but baby I am so sorry that is not what happened. I was ‘emotionally infertile’ in my 20’s and early 30’s. I could have children but by the circumstances of life – no stable relationship, ill parents, my mental health and lack of financial stability, I chose it was not the time to have you.

I grieve for the time that was lost that I could have had you. I had to shift to a possibility of never having children four years ago when I lost my own mother and spent a week in the ICU with pulmonary embolisms from birth control pills. My life, my health and my responsibilities changed a lot that day back in April 2017. I have always had you in my heart but I had to make a decision that I couldn’t care for you if I wasn’t healthy. Now, I have to make the final decision that being your mother is not a possibility.

I grieve seeing those two pink lines, having my first ultrasound and hearing your heartbeat. Feeling you flutter inside my womb and feeling those little kicks. I grieve finding out that you were a little girl and resisting the urge to buy every single thing that was pink! I grieve that excitement and joy in picking out your name. My adorable Ariella, the lioness of God, that symbolizes courage and strength.

I grieve the baby shower that was planned by all of your honorary Aunties, that were so excited to meet you as well. Decorating your nursery and having a hard time picking out a theme because your mommy LOVES themes! I am sure it would have been pink!

I grieve my water breaking, the pain, the pushing and your first cry in this world. I grieve the emotion of being able to hold you and have your tiny head on my chest.

I grieve the experience to nurture, love and raise a wonderful human being. I grieve all your “firsts” and hearing you call me mommy.

I grieve the thousands of pictures of you on my camera roll and wanting to show you off to the world at every moment.

You were always wanted but God had other plans for your mommy. Today, I make a promise to you my Ariella. All the love for you will be in my heart and I promise it will not be wasted.

I promise to mother all the children in my life. I will love, protect, play, giggle, read stories, paint pictures, help with homework and be the best Auntie Ber. I may not be their mother, noun, but I will mother, verb¸ with all my heart.

Love,

Your Mommy